What started off as a bout of food poisoning had actually spiralled into what would now be my third bout of Dengue. On last count there were 5 strains with the possibility of now a 6th. For those that have never had the experience and I for one do not wish this on anyone, it is an experience which gets into your head.
And yes, people die from it.
Looking back the signs were all there. One would think after having it twice before I could have read myself better, however hindsight is a great thing and Dengue has it’s own rule book. It is here where you have to go within to come back out.
I am a catholic woman, who raised three children in the faith. Actually, I did this the opposite way around, I was baptised years later but that’s another story.
I don’t necessarliy go around singing kumbaya, but I have a deep faith that I carry around in my little pocket. A faith that I reach out to express my gratitude and in the more obvious cases when times are hard. Everyone has their own way, thank God for that. In Thailand where I currently reside, there are the breathtaking temples, incense, candles, barefeet and quiet chanting. All of us who reside here respect the traditions of the Buddism culture and that in itself always calms me.
For me, I too pray quietly, I send out good thoughts, I talk things out in calmness and then there are times when I just write in prayer. Yesterday was no different.
Please remember, Dengue is a disease that gets into the darkest areas of your mind, the ones you thought you had already conquered. It’s probably one of the biggest tests mentally I have ever had to endure. And as I write this I just realised I am also a little superstitious, as I just knocked on wood that I wouldn’t succumb to a 4th ‘experience’.
The stages of Dengue are hard to diagnose as the same symptoms of food poisoning or a bad flu could easily be mistaken for them. It is only when you are three quarters of the way in it, and you start to realise that water looks like molten lava and food looks like one of those horror movies where you think it’s rice and it moves around like maggots!! Then and only then, you realize the twisted tale of what you are about to succumb too.
Each strain is unique and cleverly designed to mess with your head. Externally you feel weak, loss of appetite and desire to drink fluids, head swelling and headaches that never leave the back of your eyes to entering the final stages of body rashes and then the grand finale…the nightmares.
Yesterday the nightmares were so extreme, I decided I needed some external guidance to deal with my internal hell and so I wrote to the most non-judgmental woman out there, Our Lady.
This is my letter to Our Lady,
I am confused and I have to admit angry. The selfish side of me always wonders why I am in purgatory, why so much pain and loss. But the worst, why so much guilt when I know others have trespassed me?
Where to go from here? The stones I am unturning are not leading me to good fortune but just more hurt. I am assuming a more sensibe person would stop unturning those rocks and just step on them and walk forward, maybe even crush a few along the way.
Here I am again, short of money, short of sourcing and low on energy.
In truth, this year has been the hardest so far, so many realisations of what has been lost, of friends who were fairweather. and most of all of people taking advantage of our compassion and empathy. It has hurt us financially on so many levels, but most importantly on our emotional bank balance.
But I guess you have been thru all of this. How did you overcome such obstacles? In words they are grief, loss, fear, hardship, anger, trauma, how did you rise above all this and become so, I suppose, so Saintly?
If you were to sit down here with me now, this is what I would imagine or maybe even hope you would say to me, woman to woman, mother to mother, warrior to warrior.
Lisa, you talk of letting go, but you haven’t had the courage to fully understand what letting go means.
To let go is to free yourself, not of your love for others, but of your reliablity on their love to make you who you are. You my love, are not made up of them, they are made of you.
In my experience I could have died there right beside my son and willingly, but that was not my purpose. He had his road to walk and yet I was the one who gave him legs.
You have both given your strength, compassion and patience to all those that have crossed you and you will again. Only this time, like I have done for myself, you must rise above self. Look beyond who you percieve yourelf to be and see how others see you.
The rest, or sickness that you are going thru is the finality of your test. You have shown great strength and so many people need you and your courage. Be courageous now and let happiness in. See your beauty that goes beyond a mirror, see what your husband sees in you and shine out. Your cracks are merely the light trying desperately to get out.
Trust is what is holding you back. I am asking you now to trust me, trust what I am putting across your path is knowledge that you will need for your higher purpose. Your life has always been one to give hope to people to shine when others couldn’t. Let me reflect on your past (only for a moment) to show you your present.
You were a child that had to raise adults and make them feel better about themselves, so too was your soulmate.
You were chosen to lead your village across your country as their representative:so to was your soulmate.
You chose a man who was always going to create madness for you but you thought you could save him, your soulmate made the same sacrifice.
You train in helping the sick, the weak, the fat, the uninspired and those with low self esteem, again, so too does your soul mate.
You have the power in you, it is about facing your higher self now and asking you to rise up, heal first and regroup. The courage is in letting go, self belief, realising that no matter what you do not everyone is going to like it, even the ones you love the most. Trust me on this one.
You do it anyway, because that is your purpose-Not your purgatory!
You are loved xx
I wrote this 3 days ago, in the midst of the nightmares and just re-read it. To some this may seem a little crazy, but as the writing points out, ‘Not everyone is going to like it, even the ones you love the most, do it anyway’.
I am this woman
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