My suit of Armour

My suit of Armour

‘I am running in this direction fast, I don’t know where it ends, or even began, but I am going to get to the end. I am not stopping, are you coming?, he asked.

This was asked of me years ago in Australia. It had been a long day of family court, viscious attacks and tears, so many tears. All I could see in my rearview mirror was chaos and destruction.

Standing beside me that day was a Warrior encouraging me with his faith of who he knew I could be, and the vision of my future strength that was yet to be unleashed.

‘Fear and intimidation will always be a part of life,’ he said. ‘All I can do is instill the power in you to be your change’ Here was a man not asking me to change but inspiring me to grow.

I am a great believer in life lessons and what you can take from them. I am no Tony Robbins but I do know that each person brings a lesson in some form or another. Positive or negative and all the in betweens. You literally have to take the good or the bad from the experience.

What hadn’t quite formed was the process of forgiving those that had trespassed against me. How do you learn from those that have ripped your heart out while it’s still beating?

It took a long time, thru his patience, home truths, and undeniable support to patiently guide me towards being able to trust and forgive. The main reason, trust and forgiveness had to start with myself first, the strength and courage grew with it. He knew all of this was yet to come and still he walked by my side.

If given the choice between a war zone or watching me fight my demons, I wouldn’t have blamed him for suiting up and heading back out.

‘In war, he said, ‘It was easier to see the bad guys, in society not so easy. The enemy is hidden, shrouded in casts of characters.’

He watched me walk thru hell, shake the devil’s hand and find peace with it. Five years later, on bended knee, on a sandy beach in South East Asia, he gently asked me to marry him.

To My King, My Warrior who set me alight, who asked nothing of me but to be me.

These words are not enough. To say I have achieved my strength on my own accord would be misleading.

I didn’t hesitate that day to say Yes. Yes to many things, Yes I will marry you , Yes I will travel this world with you, Yes there will be challenges…YES…I will come with you, because where you are going is exactly where I want to be.

May you all find your Warrior in whatever shape or form suits your armour xx

 

 

 

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I am amongst Warriors

‘To those Warrior Chicks out there, creating new lives and living their dreams. You’re beautiful; stay that way inside and out. You’re strong; always know you have that back up. You’re wise; let that be your center point when you doubt yourself. You’re brave as a fleet of men going into battle hardened by life, empowered by experience in being a woman. Stay that way forever.’ Lxo

I was inspired today to write this to a woman who is off on an adventure. For some it may be an adventure of a lifetime, for her it is her life. A leaflet from her book should be used in a guide on how to be a strong woman. But can I tell you she is not the only one. There is another woman I know who from a casual glance would seem that her life is easy, carefree and without worries. She has worked hard to maintain that façade but behind the scenes there has been destruction, loss and sadness.

I have the honor of having an international sisterhood, made up of woman from all walks of life, but with one common thread, they have turned their weakenss’s into strengths.

Here are some outstanding examples.

Maxine, a woman who lights up the stage each night as she plays to a crowd. Her strength and weakness are both entwined as she is playing to her lost love and that is her closest connection. Her strength to go on to leave a crowd wanting more is her power to fulfil her sadness in to love. I have learned from her.

Jules, who turned her corporate life in the cement jungle, to yogi extrodinaire. Travelling the world bringing her yin with her yang, but that is a life that requires strength in yourself to be alone and be at one with that. I have learned from her.

Shashanna, who went into battle with the biggest beast of them all, Cancer. All I can say is FUCK you Cancer…and she did too. Her daughters are her accompolishment, her drive and her reason. I have learned from her.

Om, the beautiful single Mom. She sets examples that are positive and sacrifices herself daily to be the Mom and the Dad. Strong in character but soft in heart, the base line of what being a single Mom is. I have learned from her.

There are opportunities everyday to meet these woman, take time to do it. Learn from them, but do not fear them. For they are different, you will feel it. Their strength can almost be overwhelming, they don’t mean it. I for one do not want to miss another moment. If I had I would have missed out on learning how to dive, how to be a skier, how to save a life, how to be a Mother, a sister, how to be a woman, how to love and how to heal.  Each of them has a strength that has been created by the weakness’s that they have had to overcome. Learn from them.

Today when I realized that a wonderful creature had taken flight to fulfill her destiny, I was so proud of her.

I am proud of all of you and maybe we don’t hear that from each other enough. So if anything comes from this, learn from me too. For there is another woman I know who from a casual glance would seem that her life is easy, carefree and without worries. She has worked hard to maintain that façade but behind the scenes there has been destruction, loss and sadness. Learn from me.

I am that woman. Warrior Chick

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I Am the Why

I Am the Why

A rock group, movie star, screen writer, comedian and famous musician walk onto my mats…but I don’t know this yet. A Mother, a cancer survivor, a bride to be and a divorcee all sit on the same matts.

A father who has lost his first child, a man who is about to make his first business deal, a boxer who is training for his first fight and an unknown artist share the same goals. From pole dancers, editors, lawyers, pilots and house wives, my mats have many stories.

The mats are met with many types of individuals that are there for one purpose and one purpose only, to find their why.

Why? Why train? Why work so hard? Why get up and sweat with a stranger to achieve a goal that is elusive at the time? Why do we do put ourselves thru this pain threshold or for that matter why do I?

Here is Why: Training isn’t just about the physical, no it is much more than that, it is about the mindset.

I do the training and I am the trainer. I have walked in all of these amazing humans footsteps with them. I have found that each of us are connected to our external goals as well as our internal struggles. Men and woman alike.

Everyone is the same when they walk onto my matts and there in lies the beauty of training. You are not your pain, your beauty, your loss, your achievements or your struggle. You are the why in what you are doing in that moment for yourself. All doubts leave, all worries are forgotten and you are there for just you.

The individual stories and hard work of my clients are Oscar-winning moments of their lives. I cherish every moment being apart of their growth and no matter what stage of life or goals they have been thru, I know that they have worked thru some amazing odds to shine as brightly as they can. What makes these individuals different from you?

Between their why and yours, they have found that the why is the love of themselves. They have realized somewhere along the way in one of those lightbulb moments that time is needed for themselves to rediscover new things, new goals, push boundaries and live without fear or judgement.

In that time and space all traps of society are forgotten, worries are replaced with endorphins and sweat is your friend.

To be there for yourself means you are better out there in your field of dreams. Your why becomes you and it shines from within.

My mats have a lifetime of stories from the ages of 5 yrs to 75 and thru all the years there has not been one moment that I haven’t felt blessed to be in the company of such awe-inspiring humans.   You are my why and I thank you all for allowing me to be apart of your journey.

And I leave you with this, that undiscovered artist, holds exhibitions all over the world. That rock group has hit the top ten in the Uk and Australia, that actress has just walked the red carpet and the screenwriter just got his first signing of a movie. The bride to be is now pregnant, the cancer survivor is a mom of 2 and kicking it everyday, the divorcee is in a new relationship, the pole dancer is about to get married, the pilot is now a solo and the Mom of three feels empowered sexy and strong.

I am the WHY.

 

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I am Fighting Your Demons

I am not sure if apologies are necessary, but I will do one just the same.

Writing has been taking up all of my time, which leads me to be a hermit and indulge in the artistic side of creating, which usually means becoming an isolated asshole actually!

So, my apology is to the fact that I haven’t had the space of mind to write to you from here, but please know I am writing.  If you have never undertaken the labour of love which is creating a book then let me tell you it is without a doubt, time consuming, all consuming and leaves you very bleary eyed and lacking any form of being able to articulate a normal conversation outside of the parameters of the pages you are staring at.

Every situation turns into a new setting and before you know it you are staring at strangers trying to capture the movements in words.  On that note, apologies to the poor lady in the ice blue dress with the wind gently caressing your hair as you order your Pina Colada from the bar, the sun gently setting behind your…oh shit there I go again.

It could be worse, I could not have the time to be able to create.  Ugh, just writing that gives me the heeby jeebies.  My creative hand has usually been attached to a paint brush, but with all of our travelling to create my husband’s books, carting around paints and canvas was not an option-thank you airlines all over the world for charging so much in baggage fees.

I started this blog with the understanding that I was venting, letting go of demons, expressing my pain and hoping that thru all of my words someone out there could rely on the fact that they are not alone in their daily struggles.  We all have our own battles to fight and we all have our own unique way of dealing with that.

I would like to thank you, each and every one of you for your support in this past year with I Am this Woman, as it has been the canvas for my novel to unfold upon.  Like layers of paint, I have been slowly building my own Mona Lisa.

The last time I put brush to hand was to do a self-portrait of my husband, he was in the process of completing his second book and based on my first paragraph, ‘Which means becoming an isolated asshole’, I had some time and space to turn his book into a piece of art.  I wasn’t able to complete it and it still rests in Scotland, one day I hope to return to it and put the final pieces of his words on it.  For now though it is a reminder to me that creating, of any form is a healthy expression and one that all should try.

 

And on that note, I Am Off, off to create, off to become that indulgent artistic brat that we all know and love (she says with a wink)….off to describe every nuance of a piece of sand.

I am that artist, I am that writer, I am that asshole, I am a creator, but most of all I am this Woman.

Title-Fighting Your Demons,

Self Portrait-Denny Denholm

Mixed Medium on Acrylic

Artist-LXO

 

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I Am putting my training hat back on.

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Last week I had to come to the decision that I have been focussing way too much on the past.

I have found for me ,for now, that when old wounds kept being reopened, I was not allowing myself to heal and therefore re creating the patterns of the pain.  This week I am relearning how to carry the past on my shoulders and it came down to one simple solution-Stop!

A wonderful friend got in contact with me and suggested to put my tools down for awhile, as in my writing tools.

“A month even”, she went on to say, “ Let time just be and let the space that is there be calm not stress. Let there be some time to just be”.

So, in this past week I have taken her advice to heart and I have just stopped. Stopped dwelling, regretting, worrying and above all writing.

There is, however, one thing from my past that I can’t seem to give up and that is training. Training, whether it is going for a run, skipping, boxing, swimming you name it, I haven’t been able to give that up. It is the one consistent thing (besides my husband) that keeps me smiling, feeling strong and getting that youthful twinkle back in my eyes. And when I have simple meditative moments like being able to pull off a double under at the age of 47, I am quite proud of that.   For those that don’t know, that’s skipping jargon for doing two rotations in one jump. Yup, I am proud of that!

It’s the simple things in life so it seems.

Here I am, back on the matts officially and it feels good. It feels great actually, to be around people that are inspired by what I have to offer and say. As a trainer it is a self fufilling career as it is always a win win. My role is to educate and motivate you to be the best and get the best from you. What you give me is your trust, your dedication to work and your grit to get in there and be challenged by me…The Silent Assasin!

My husband and I have been welcomed into the family of Gym & Fitness Koh Toa and we feel very honored to be in such a top class establishment. I have been in gyms all around the world from Scotland’s Forgewood Boxing Club to my own studio’s in Australia and of course the mecca for me WildCard in L.A. with Freddie Roach.

Whether I have been a trainer or I am being trained, one thing is for certain, I have never left the matts without smiling, swearing(it’s good for you) and a hell of a lot of chin sweat.

If you are wondering about my writing here, not to worry I have heaps I want to tell you but if you can’t find me here you can find me in Thailand cranking the Foo Fighters and listening to the sweet sound of ropes tapping, gloves being strapped on and boxing bags thumping.

So to hell with the past for now, let’s bring back some positive energy and it’s starting with me.

Lxo aka The Silent Assasin

You can find Lisa and her partner Denny at Gym and Fitness Koh Toa.

Their next event starts: August 11th

Event: Internationally renowned 32B Free Challenges.

Have a look at our 32B Free challenge : Come get some

https://web.facebook.com/32bfree/

 

It’s time to sweat, smile and swear…see you on the matts

Lxo

 

I Am Grateful for him-Part 3

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I Am Grateful for him-Part 3

I would like to share with you a message my husband posted on his time line.

He has always been the most generous, giving man I have ever met.  He is world class to say the least, but has inspired me on so many levels to be who I AM today.  No one is built alone, we are built from our experiences with engaging in people.  And as I write you will notice all my experiences good and bad have shaped me into who I am based on those interactions with these individuals.

Yet, there is one person who rises to the occasion time and time again, and to be honest I don’t know why or how he is here.  How did I, a divorced mother of three with a history of hell have heaven enter my door?

I thank you Mr.Denny from every fibre of my being for being you, consistently and persistently.  It’s beautiful to read you feel the same, thank you again My King x

An excerpt from Denny Denholm: a Royal Marine, a War Veteran, a Father, a writer, a boxer, a Coach….My love

We all have pasts and we all have demons…that can never be denied.

Some of us have to fight our way through youth and adult life, and others sort of sail through, unaware of the pain and violence around them. We all suffer. I am witness to that, especially Veterans, like me. 

This is why we are doing 22 Push Ups for 22 days in support of Vets who still live and need to be inspired by community and FB does that well. 

BUT…REMEMBER…OR WAKE UP TO…DOMESTIC VIOLENCE KILLS!!

When I returned from war, it horrified me that I had been genuinely sacrificing my life for my country and the good of mankind. Willingly taking my body and mind into the end of times to become strong enough to withstand war as a Commando. Then living through a career of it, for my country, family and kin.

I was horrified because while I was gone there were rapists and child molesters running a muck in every community. The more I looked the more I was broken in my soul. Any fucker tells me war broke me I will punch them right on the nose. Finding out this shit after my career in war totally broke me. No fucking question.

While i was trying to sort out how the fuck I can change this shit I met my wife Lisa Denholm. We were both going through horrific divorces and child custody nonsense and decided to fight back to back together, preserving love at all costs. We fight on and my wife has the courage to tell these stories so bloody eloquently. Watch this space…this woman has talent.

Listen to Lisa Denholm‘s story in her blogs. She has lived through the most horrific of abuses and still remains strong, faithful and able to teach others how to be strong, confident and loyal. God knows, meeting a loyal person is a challenge in these days. When I met this woman I learned about loyalty, hope and compassion, everything she tries to teach everyone every day. 

A true warrior and a true Love Legend!

Strength to your courage and I pray you that you can touch millions of people’s hearts. Together, we unite to STOP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

STOP SUICIDE

Lxo