I am at the bottom of the bowl

I have created an incredible bond with and not surprisingly so, the aptly named porcelain pony. My instant love of the porcelain pony has been undeniably the only thing I have looked forward to when jumping with lightning speed from the bed.

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I have been laid up for a few days with what can only be described as the devils incarnate force from the depths of hell, food poisoning.

This form of unusual abuse is not anyones friend, well that’s not entirely true, I have created an incredible bond with and not surprisingly so, the aptly named porcelain pony. My instant love of the porcelain pony has been undeniably the only thing I have looked forward to when jumping with lightning speed from the bed. It’s glorious white surface, it’s calming coolness and it’s never ending welcoming of anything I have had to offer it.

For everyone else in my home, Peppa the Pussy, Mac the Dog and my Medic Marine, well they have looked on sympathetically albiet from a great distance. Lingering kisses have instantly stopped and been replaced with quick pecks on my forward and the dog, well he was just thoroughly disgusted and it has only been today that he could look me in the face. This by the way is the same dog who scrounges thru trash bins eating cardboard pizza boxes!

I have always thought and held that I had a strong constitution, after all I have survived dengue twice, two emergency caesareans and of course the dalliances with the occasional hangover from hell. This has outdone, hands down, all of these combined. In my delirium between bed and pony, I found I went thru all forms of emotions. The,’ Whoa is me!’, to,’ Whoa look out, where’s my pony?’, and finally,‘Where is my life heading and What does it all mean?’

Here’s the thing though, I think I accidentally entered myself into the scenario of, ‘careful what you wish for’. There is a line in the movie,’ The Devil Wears Prada’, where the main character has come down with a cold. Her associate tells her she should get some rest and her response, with wide eyes is,’I am one pneumonia away from a size 0!.’ This was a scenario I could relate to, as I had just used this line on my Marine. Only it was in the form of saying out loud , ‘Babe, I am ready to start my detox.’

Thinking back now I wish I had said, ‘Babe, I am ready to make that million dollars!’ Note to self, think bigger.

So in my whoa is me thoughts it brought me back to all the things I have fought thru and continue to fight thru each day. It should have made me feel stronger, but instead it just made me slip back to where I was 7 years ago. And then I realized I have been asleep for a while, well not asleep, more like the walking dead. The feeling I have had over these 3 days has summed up how I have been poisoned utterly slowly with grief and loss and loneliness. I started having nightmares again, nightmares of children running, of abuse and choices, hard choices that I have made to make that have kept me in a state of sadness for years.

As each day passed the pain was all encompassing, it was all based within my womb, aching and ripping me apart. It twisted me and had me on edge. The exhaustion has been withering and the agony heartbreaking.

There is a silver lining in all of this, I have discovered that within being weak during this sickness I have also rediscovered my strength. Each day I am slowly getting stronger, not only in body, but also finally in spirit. Once the cloud of delirium started to lift, so too did the poison of the past. I saw it for what it was, something to feel and finally to let go of.

I am just only now learning to forgive myself, the loss of my children has been overwhelming, not at times, but at all times. I have had enormous setbacks, mixed in with incredible highs. You need to be aware that when someone tells you that something bad happened to them and they changed, it doesn’t actually mean that other bad things didn’t follow. That was their reference to their worst experience while cuppled with many winding twists along the way that caused their awakening. I should know, my own road has been twisted, turned, hijacked and blood has been spilt on my highway to me.

For the record this is actually a letter to my husband, who has watched this internal pain for so long, standing by me and looking at me from the outside hoping I get better and gently pecking my forehead in a beautiful gesture of, I am here. You are not alone.

To my Medic Marine, my handsome husband, thank you for recognizing the downfall, thank you for not giving up. I am grateful for your strength and unwaivering support and love. I am sorry I have dark days. I am always in awe of your ability to laugh in the face of adversity and your beautiful and patient way of being able to coax out the frog in my throat, that is sometimes too strangled with pain and rage to release. You my love are a true gentleman, bless you for loving me when I couldn’t find the love for myself anymore at the bottom of the bowl.

68441_446155846433_4432290_n.jpgWith regards to the detox, I am 3kg lighter, the porcelain pony will always have a place in my heart and I am ready for a lingering kiss.

And to you my old friend, F.P. (food posioning) what can I say, it’s been emotional.

#iamthiswoman #foodpoisoning #porcelainpony #blessyou #truegentleman #patience #love #darkdays #missyoueveryday #forgive #detox #dreambigger #stronger

 

 

 

 

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