My suit of Armour

My suit of Armour

‘I am running in this direction fast, I don’t know where it ends, or even began, but I am going to get to the end. I am not stopping, are you coming?, he asked.

This was asked of me years ago in Australia. It had been a long day of family court, viscious attacks and tears, so many tears. All I could see in my rearview mirror was chaos and destruction.

Standing beside me that day was a Warrior encouraging me with his faith of who he knew I could be, and the vision of my future strength that was yet to be unleashed.

‘Fear and intimidation will always be a part of life,’ he said. ‘All I can do is instill the power in you to be your change’ Here was a man not asking me to change but inspiring me to grow.

I am a great believer in life lessons and what you can take from them. I am no Tony Robbins but I do know that each person brings a lesson in some form or another. Positive or negative and all the in betweens. You literally have to take the good or the bad from the experience.

What hadn’t quite formed was the process of forgiving those that had trespassed against me. How do you learn from those that have ripped your heart out while it’s still beating?

It took a long time, thru his patience, home truths, and undeniable support to patiently guide me towards being able to trust and forgive. The main reason, trust and forgiveness had to start with myself first, the strength and courage grew with it. He knew all of this was yet to come and still he walked by my side.

If given the choice between a war zone or watching me fight my demons, I wouldn’t have blamed him for suiting up and heading back out.

‘In war, he said, ‘It was easier to see the bad guys, in society not so easy. The enemy is hidden, shrouded in casts of characters.’

He watched me walk thru hell, shake the devil’s hand and find peace with it. Five years later, on bended knee, on a sandy beach in South East Asia, he gently asked me to marry him.

To My King, My Warrior who set me alight, who asked nothing of me but to be me.

These words are not enough. To say I have achieved my strength on my own accord would be misleading.

I didn’t hesitate that day to say Yes. Yes to many things, Yes I will marry you , Yes I will travel this world with you, Yes there will be challenges…YES…I will come with you, because where you are going is exactly where I want to be.

May you all find your Warrior in whatever shape or form suits your armour xx

 

 

 

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I am at the bottom of the bowl

I have created an incredible bond with and not surprisingly so, the aptly named porcelain pony. My instant love of the porcelain pony has been undeniably the only thing I have looked forward to when jumping with lightning speed from the bed.

I have been laid up for a few days with what can only be described as the devils incarnate force from the depths of hell, food poisoning.

This form of unusual abuse is not anyones friend, well that’s not entirely true, I have created an incredible bond with and not surprisingly so, the aptly named porcelain pony. My instant love of the porcelain pony has been undeniably the only thing I have looked forward to when jumping with lightning speed from the bed. It’s glorious white surface, it’s calming coolness and it’s never ending welcoming of anything I have had to offer it.

For everyone else in my home, Peppa the Pussy, Mac the Dog and my Medic Marine, well they have looked on sympathetically albiet from a great distance. Lingering kisses have instantly stopped and been replaced with quick pecks on my forward and the dog, well he was just thoroughly disgusted and it has only been today that he could look me in the face. This by the way is the same dog who scrounges thru trash bins eating cardboard pizza boxes!

I have always thought and held that I had a strong constitution, after all I have survived dengue twice, two emergency caesareans and of course the dalliances with the occasional hangover from hell. This has outdone, hands down, all of these combined. In my delirium between bed and pony, I found I went thru all forms of emotions. The,’ Whoa is me!’, to,’ Whoa look out, where’s my pony?’, and finally,‘Where is my life heading and What does it all mean?’

Here’s the thing though, I think I accidentally entered myself into the scenario of, ‘careful what you wish for’. There is a line in the movie,’ The Devil Wears Prada’, where the main character has come down with a cold. Her associate tells her she should get some rest and her response, with wide eyes is,’I am one pneumonia away from a size 0!.’ This was a scenario I could relate to, as I had just used this line on my Marine. Only it was in the form of saying out loud , ‘Babe, I am ready to start my detox.’

Thinking back now I wish I had said, ‘Babe, I am ready to make that million dollars!’ Note to self, think bigger.

So in my whoa is me thoughts it brought me back to all the things I have fought thru and continue to fight thru each day. It should have made me feel stronger, but instead it just made me slip back to where I was 7 years ago. And then I realized I have been asleep for a while, well not asleep, more like the walking dead. The feeling I have had over these 3 days has summed up how I have been poisoned utterly slowly with grief and loss and loneliness. I started having nightmares again, nightmares of children running, of abuse and choices, hard choices that I have made to make that have kept me in a state of sadness for years.

As each day passed the pain was all encompassing, it was all based within my womb, aching and ripping me apart. It twisted me and had me on edge. The exhaustion has been withering and the agony heartbreaking.

There is a silver lining in all of this, I have discovered that within being weak during this sickness I have also rediscovered my strength. Each day I am slowly getting stronger, not only in body, but also finally in spirit. Once the cloud of delirium started to lift, so too did the poison of the past. I saw it for what it was, something to feel and finally to let go of.

I am just only now learning to forgive myself, the loss of my children has been overwhelming, not at times, but at all times. I have had enormous setbacks, mixed in with incredible highs. You need to be aware that when someone tells you that something bad happened to them and they changed, it doesn’t actually mean that other bad things didn’t follow. That was their reference to their worst experience while cuppled with many winding twists along the way that caused their awakening. I should know, my own road has been twisted, turned, hijacked and blood has been spilt on my highway to me.

For the record this is actually a letter to my husband, who has watched this internal pain for so long, standing by me and looking at me from the outside hoping I get better and gently pecking my forehead in a beautiful gesture of, I am here. You are not alone.

To my Medic Marine, my handsome husband, thank you for recognizing the downfall, thank you for not giving up. I am grateful for your strength and unwaivering support and love. I am sorry I have dark days. I am always in awe of your ability to laugh in the face of adversity and your beautiful and patient way of being able to coax out the frog in my throat, that is sometimes too strangled with pain and rage to release. You my love are a true gentleman, bless you for loving me when I couldn’t find the love for myself anymore at the bottom of the bowl.

68441_446155846433_4432290_n.jpgWith regards to the detox, I am 3kg lighter, the porcelain pony will always have a place in my heart and I am ready for a lingering kiss.

And to you my old friend, F.P. (food posioning) what can I say, it’s been emotional.

#iamthiswoman #foodpoisoning #porcelainpony #blessyou #truegentleman #patience #love #darkdays #missyoueveryday #forgive #detox #dreambigger #stronger

 

 

 

 

I am Fighting Your Demons

I am not sure if apologies are necessary, but I will do one just the same.

Writing has been taking up all of my time, which leads me to be a hermit and indulge in the artistic side of creating, which usually means becoming an isolated asshole actually!

So, my apology is to the fact that I haven’t had the space of mind to write to you from here, but please know I am writing.  If you have never undertaken the labour of love which is creating a book then let me tell you it is without a doubt, time consuming, all consuming and leaves you very bleary eyed and lacking any form of being able to articulate a normal conversation outside of the parameters of the pages you are staring at.

Every situation turns into a new setting and before you know it you are staring at strangers trying to capture the movements in words.  On that note, apologies to the poor lady in the ice blue dress with the wind gently caressing your hair as you order your Pina Colada from the bar, the sun gently setting behind your…oh shit there I go again.

It could be worse, I could not have the time to be able to create.  Ugh, just writing that gives me the heeby jeebies.  My creative hand has usually been attached to a paint brush, but with all of our travelling to create my husband’s books, carting around paints and canvas was not an option-thank you airlines all over the world for charging so much in baggage fees.

I started this blog with the understanding that I was venting, letting go of demons, expressing my pain and hoping that thru all of my words someone out there could rely on the fact that they are not alone in their daily struggles.  We all have our own battles to fight and we all have our own unique way of dealing with that.

I would like to thank you, each and every one of you for your support in this past year with I Am this Woman, as it has been the canvas for my novel to unfold upon.  Like layers of paint, I have been slowly building my own Mona Lisa.

The last time I put brush to hand was to do a self-portrait of my husband, he was in the process of completing his second book and based on my first paragraph, ‘Which means becoming an isolated asshole’, I had some time and space to turn his book into a piece of art.  I wasn’t able to complete it and it still rests in Scotland, one day I hope to return to it and put the final pieces of his words on it.  For now though it is a reminder to me that creating, of any form is a healthy expression and one that all should try.

 

And on that note, I Am Off, off to create, off to become that indulgent artistic brat that we all know and love (she says with a wink)….off to describe every nuance of a piece of sand.

I am that artist, I am that writer, I am that asshole, I am a creator, but most of all I am this Woman.

Title-Fighting Your Demons,

Self Portrait-Denny Denholm

Mixed Medium on Acrylic

Artist-LXO

 

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I Am Grateful for him-Part 3

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I Am Grateful for him-Part 3

I would like to share with you a message my husband posted on his time line.

He has always been the most generous, giving man I have ever met.  He is world class to say the least, but has inspired me on so many levels to be who I AM today.  No one is built alone, we are built from our experiences with engaging in people.  And as I write you will notice all my experiences good and bad have shaped me into who I am based on those interactions with these individuals.

Yet, there is one person who rises to the occasion time and time again, and to be honest I don’t know why or how he is here.  How did I, a divorced mother of three with a history of hell have heaven enter my door?

I thank you Mr.Denny from every fibre of my being for being you, consistently and persistently.  It’s beautiful to read you feel the same, thank you again My King x

An excerpt from Denny Denholm: a Royal Marine, a War Veteran, a Father, a writer, a boxer, a Coach….My love

We all have pasts and we all have demons…that can never be denied.

Some of us have to fight our way through youth and adult life, and others sort of sail through, unaware of the pain and violence around them. We all suffer. I am witness to that, especially Veterans, like me. 

This is why we are doing 22 Push Ups for 22 days in support of Vets who still live and need to be inspired by community and FB does that well. 

BUT…REMEMBER…OR WAKE UP TO…DOMESTIC VIOLENCE KILLS!!

When I returned from war, it horrified me that I had been genuinely sacrificing my life for my country and the good of mankind. Willingly taking my body and mind into the end of times to become strong enough to withstand war as a Commando. Then living through a career of it, for my country, family and kin.

I was horrified because while I was gone there were rapists and child molesters running a muck in every community. The more I looked the more I was broken in my soul. Any fucker tells me war broke me I will punch them right on the nose. Finding out this shit after my career in war totally broke me. No fucking question.

While i was trying to sort out how the fuck I can change this shit I met my wife Lisa Denholm. We were both going through horrific divorces and child custody nonsense and decided to fight back to back together, preserving love at all costs. We fight on and my wife has the courage to tell these stories so bloody eloquently. Watch this space…this woman has talent.

Listen to Lisa Denholm‘s story in her blogs. She has lived through the most horrific of abuses and still remains strong, faithful and able to teach others how to be strong, confident and loyal. God knows, meeting a loyal person is a challenge in these days. When I met this woman I learned about loyalty, hope and compassion, everything she tries to teach everyone every day. 

A true warrior and a true Love Legend!

Strength to your courage and I pray you that you can touch millions of people’s hearts. Together, we unite to STOP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

STOP SUICIDE

Lxo