I Am Grateful for him-Part 3

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I Am Grateful for him-Part 3

I would like to share with you a message my husband posted on his time line.

He has always been the most generous, giving man I have ever met.  He is world class to say the least, but has inspired me on so many levels to be who I AM today.  No one is built alone, we are built from our experiences with engaging in people.  And as I write you will notice all my experiences good and bad have shaped me into who I am based on those interactions with these individuals.

Yet, there is one person who rises to the occasion time and time again, and to be honest I don’t know why or how he is here.  How did I, a divorced mother of three with a history of hell have heaven enter my door?

I thank you Mr.Denny from every fibre of my being for being you, consistently and persistently.  It’s beautiful to read you feel the same, thank you again My King x

An excerpt from Denny Denholm: a Royal Marine, a War Veteran, a Father, a writer, a boxer, a Coach….My love

We all have pasts and we all have demons…that can never be denied.

Some of us have to fight our way through youth and adult life, and others sort of sail through, unaware of the pain and violence around them. We all suffer. I am witness to that, especially Veterans, like me. 

This is why we are doing 22 Push Ups for 22 days in support of Vets who still live and need to be inspired by community and FB does that well. 

BUT…REMEMBER…OR WAKE UP TO…DOMESTIC VIOLENCE KILLS!!

When I returned from war, it horrified me that I had been genuinely sacrificing my life for my country and the good of mankind. Willingly taking my body and mind into the end of times to become strong enough to withstand war as a Commando. Then living through a career of it, for my country, family and kin.

I was horrified because while I was gone there were rapists and child molesters running a muck in every community. The more I looked the more I was broken in my soul. Any fucker tells me war broke me I will punch them right on the nose. Finding out this shit after my career in war totally broke me. No fucking question.

While i was trying to sort out how the fuck I can change this shit I met my wife Lisa Denholm. We were both going through horrific divorces and child custody nonsense and decided to fight back to back together, preserving love at all costs. We fight on and my wife has the courage to tell these stories so bloody eloquently. Watch this space…this woman has talent.

Listen to Lisa Denholm‘s story in her blogs. She has lived through the most horrific of abuses and still remains strong, faithful and able to teach others how to be strong, confident and loyal. God knows, meeting a loyal person is a challenge in these days. When I met this woman I learned about loyalty, hope and compassion, everything she tries to teach everyone every day. 

A true warrior and a true Love Legend!

Strength to your courage and I pray you that you can touch millions of people’s hearts. Together, we unite to STOP DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

STOP SUICIDE

Lxo

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I am wasting time

I am wasting time

I have been burning daylight a lot lately. And when I got down to the crux of why I had been dawdling the only precious commodity that one can never get back (time)I just hung my head in shame and thought, ‘I don’t know’ and the next response ‘What a waste of time’.

We could call it limbo for many reasons, or call this nothingness reorganizing myself, I know we are all guilty of it. Lollygagging on how we look, what people think, what we should say, as well as whiling away the time on people who you know deep down don’t care whether your around or not. You were given gut feelings, trust in them!

That’s the hard realization, when your life changes some people just can’t come with you and instead of them being happy for you, you become shunned like a bad member of the flock. But the very worst procrastinator of all for me has been self doubt on past destructive emotions like jealousy or frustration, not good enough. For the record these have absolutely no place in my life. And is not on my list of time dilly dallying anymore.

Somewhere I got it all backwards, talked myself into thinking that if I spent time on those that didn’t see me or wished they would give me their time,that maybe I would be enough. Maybe they could rise up and feel me, hell I even prayed for their kindness and love. That ended

I especially find myself losing a lot of time looking at the right hand screen on my Face Book page. You know the signal, where it shows who’s on line and who is not. The sad fact is, that that little green dot consumes a lot of my time, it represents someone I love dearly. I turn that Face crack on in the hope that the green dot is still glowing and my heart skips a beat to see that the light is still on. Like a ship lost at sea looking for the light house, when it flickers on I know they are there, waiting, watching and so for this, this is not a loss of time. This is a mother with her only contact to her blood by a dot on a screen.

So I made a promise a few weeks ago. I am choosing to spend my time on the following . Albeit I had to go thru some hoops to get to these realizations, and with any change comes some heated discussions, some goal posts moved and moments of reflection to make hard decisions. And as always there was the usual toss between being my usual pig headed strong self and the other being the humble eyes wide opened character. With all that emotion out of the way, I have no time to waste…here is where you will find me wasting light in 2016.IMG_0236.jpg

I am going to waste time on my husband and love him like it was my last day on earth…everyday. I am going to waste time with my friends and drink red wine and eat fabulous food while the sun goes down on our tropical island we all call home. I am going to waste time motivating people. I am especially going to waste time having a lingering kiss on the lips of my King. I am going to waste your time to, I will waste it by giving you a hug, or winking at you. I am going to be the biggest time waster by listening to you, and enjoying our time we waste together.

 

While I am at it I am going to waste time boxing, staying fit, having massages, loving my job, meeting people from all over the world. I am going to waste time learning two new languages-concurrently ( I didn’t say successfully), I am going to waste time learning how to dive. I am going to waste time having dinner parties and paddle boarding. I am going to waste time making art again and writing like I can recapture time again. I hope I have encouraged you to waste time also. Life is too damn short.

And If it so happens we get wasted together, then mission accompolished, because we didn’t while our time away , instead we embraced our moments in the presence of everything. Like good time wasters do xxxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am Back

I am back

It’s been four months since I started my blog. And 2 months since I have written anything. I kind of lost my mojo, or rather found it. Let me explain, we are back in Thailand. Surrounded by amazing, inspiring, creatives, who I love so much. And what happens in environments like this is that you are continually creative in so many other areas that finding time to take it all in, stop the merry go round and write about it proves to be harder than one would expect.

This is just one of my days…Training in our MC with brave and fit warriors who only improve everyday. Dinner at our best mates 5 star restaurant and wine bar, The Gallery, where we are spoiled rotten with the best Thai food on this planet. An evening of listening to Simon Wright and Andy V from Australia, mesmerise us with their talents on Loop, Guitar and Sax while the ocean laps gently across the shore. An invite to the amazing Cape Shark, a 7 star villa sanctuary that has been designed fit enough for the Princess of Thailand.

And to top it all off, an evening cruise home with the love of my life on the back our bike, while the full moon lights are way home to our Jungle Fever Dollhouse.

So I apologise for not writing for awhile, actually I want to say sorry not sorry. My posts have always been filled with sadness, loss and complete tragedy and as much as I needed to express that pain, I no longer feel that. I thank you for all of your support and strength, believe me when I say, your love has been felt and without you in it I could not be here in this mindset.

I would like to share with you instead how from all of that, I have found myself again. How I don’t wake up anymore feeling lost, sad or confused… How I don’t feel like a victim…anymore.

In the past two months I have accepted my losses, picked myself and had an epiphany. I have lost 6 kilo’s, I train everday if not twice a day (except Sundays). I have grown, and from that lost one mojo in return for the other. I want you to know that you can do this too.

You don’t have to be on a tropical island, (although that does help) to adjust your glitch. Actually my glitch was on the matts one day, while my husband/coach was teaching me how to spar. Part of learning how to box is not only to know how to hit, but also how to be hit. How to, ‘roll with the punches’, and it really is a roll. We had started our 3 minute round, and in that time frame I was hit(gently but effectively) on the head or in the ribs or in the face….with each punch I found I couldn’t get out of the way. No matter how hard I tried to duck and weave, the punches kept landing. Tears started to roll down my face, memories started flooding back, I could feel the waves of regression sinking in on me as I struggled with my breathing. And this is where the epiphany came…this is what I had been doing all along. Ducking, weaving, resisting the cause but taking the pain.. I needed to grow and the only way was to take a deep breathe and walk into that punch, eyes wide open and ready to accept that I could get hurt.

That’s life for me, right there. In those 3 minutes I had the opportunity to either ride the crest of the past or walk into the ring with a plan, without fear or intimidation. I put my hands to my cheekbones, I opened my eyes and took a deep breathe. The tears stopped, the past melted and in front of me was me. My hardest opponent, and I won.

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I am that StepMom

 

….excerpt from I am this Woman

I am that StepMom

Angel
I met an Angel 8 years ago. He came bursting thru my studio behind his father with energy uncontained, bright eyes and mischief. He was the image of his Father. Beautiful brown eyes, dimples and a smile that could stop you in your tracks. He also had no fear; the boy could jump off anything, turn anything into a springboard and double flip on the spot.
As Angel grew he taught me things, things about myself that I thought I had already conquered and understood.
As our time together was to be filled with trials and tribulations, it was through him that he taught me forgiveness, loyalty and family.

As Angel grew, his life grew and within it came harsh realities based on lies, deceit and much anger. His confusion was where his loyalties should lie.
We received a call one evening while in Thailand from a friend who was very concerned for Angel. He felt he was falling into the wrong hands, those that he had defiantly tried to protect, were now the ones that imposed danger. A few phone calls, a one-way ticket and a short ferry ride, Angel arrived on our island in Thailand.

There was still many questions as to why he had returned to us and so quickly, but as Angel being the loyal creature he is, answers were limited, eyes were not met. And so he began his adventure. School became not a subject of sitting in a class room but one of diving, filming and learning to ride a motorbike. He was starting to relax; he was starting to trust again.
Days turned to weeks and before you knew it, a month had passed. Calls were made and his time with us was increased, you could physically see him start to unwind.One evening I had arranged for the three of us to have a Buddha blessing at our bar and decided to celebrate with fireworks later on at the beach.
As we threw the fireworks into the air, a moments hesitation was to change all of our lives forever. His Father had miscalculated, and from that one second of hesitation his hand was ripped apart. I screamed, then quickly swore more than 100 times with the same phrase,’F$@£’…
As the smoke settled and the ringing in our ears was easing, Angel walked up to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said, ‘It will be ok’ he guided me to the bike, and I drove the three of us to the small clinic in hopes that they would be open.
His Father safely squeezed between us; we drove the steady pace back for help. All the while Angel was patting his Dad’s shoulder and whispering to him, ‘it will be ok Dad’. He was 14 at the time, but one would have said he spoke with the authority of a man way older than his time.
That moment changed our relationship forever. It was Angel and me, stepson to stepmom, friend to friend, we were shoulder to shoulder in this crisis. He never flinched once, even as his Father’s pain was so unbearable for him and we watched him deteriorate, Angel was calm, loyal and there till the end.
As his Father’s haze of pain and much-needed painkillers started to take their toll on our relationship, it was Angel who stood by my side. He was there for each Dr’s visit; laundry runs, gym sessions, food runs and a much-needed shoulder to rely on.
That explosion took us from Thailand to Scotland, where he was back to his roots. I watched this little boy become a young man who was learning that honesty was always the best policy even when the truth hurt.
Lies were uncovered, tears were shed, and the little boy grew into a man. He was now head of his school, had not only grown from this experience but had started to trust in his feelings towards me…his StepMom.
We didn’t want him to go back to Oz, but he felt he was ready. Nine months he was with us, the first time he and his Father were a real family and not just the weekend warriors. Everyone grew for the better, loved for the right reasons and trusted in our family values. His return to Oz was hard, but he wanted to prove how much he had changed. He had gone from the protector of dishonesty to the warrior of truth and wanted everyone to know it.
Our history is immense in our short time together, he is my stepson, he is my kid. We are a modern family and with it comes baggage. I am that Stepmom, who undoes that baggage and does the laundry. Cleans it up, packs it tidy and says welcome home, wherever we are, this is your home, and I am proud to have you as my own.

I am that Stepmom who knows what it is like to be a stepkid; I am that Rebel who won’t stand down to traditional ways, and I am that Pirate who welcomes castaways with an open heart on board my ship.

I am this Woman